Just A Dream
by Ultrawoman
Summary: Part of the 'Just Us' series. AU 6x20 Villains. Following the shooting of Buffy and Tara... Spuffyish.


A/N : Just a short AU of 6.20 Villains. As in the real timeline, Spike left at the end of 6.19 Seeing Red and then Buffy got shot by Warren, as did Tara...  
(_Disclaimer : Joss owns all the BtVS characters)_

Just A Dream

"You left" she says accusingly as she feels his presence behind her, still staring out of bedroom window at the dark night.

"I did" he agrees, not really expecting a warmer welcome than her icy words. He's not even worthy enough for her to look at him when she speaks, and he knows it, but he wants to change all that.

"You promised you'd always stay" she reminds him, "'I'm not like all the others' that's what you used to say. You were supposed to stay" she says with a slight shake of her head and a crack in her voice that it kills him to hear.

"I know" he whispers, feeling so terrible, possibly even worse than he previously has done, "but after what happened... Buffy, I didn't think you'd want me to stay" he tells her honestly and she finally turns to look at him with tears running from her eyes.

"You didn't ask" she points out, and he looks sadly at the floor.

"I'm not worthy of you, luv" he says regretfully, "Not even of your friendship and good opinion, never mind your love, which I always should have known I could never hope to win"

He is hurting so much, feeling so much guilt he is unaware of her moving towards him til she stands before him, her hand going to his chin as she makes him look at her.

"Spike" she says softly, "You did" she tells him, "You had my love" she admits to his surprise, "I denied it and I shouldn't have, because it's been there so long" she cries.

"You loved me?" he says hopefully, praying he has not misheard her words, "How could you?"

"I don't know" she shakes her head as she answers him more honestly than she ever has before, "I loved you and trusted you and I hate myself for it. I hated myself and I took it out on you"

"I didn't care" he reminds her but she turns away.

"You should have" she cries, "I should've too, I do now"

"What I did to you was worse than anything, Buffy, I..." he stumbles over what he means to say as tears come to his eyes too and he cannot help but shed them, "I never meant to hurt you, luv, never. I know I did a stupid thing, a mindless and terrible thing..."

"So did I" she cuts his setence off with her own, turning back to look at him once again, "I can't forget what you almost did, I don't even know if I can ever forgive it" she tells him, "but I can't put all the blame on you" she says firmly.

He looks at her bemused for a moment but doesn't say a word, and soon she continues.

"I used you, I beat on you, I took your love for me and I crushed it into the dirt like it meant nothing" she cries, "By calling you a monster and treating you so badly, you became a monster again, but I've seen the man Spike, the man inside you that loves me... or that did" she amends, looking away.

"That still does love you" he promises her, "but that can't ever be worthy now"

Buffy looks at him once again, as he tries to wipe tears from his cheeks. He hates himself so much for what he has done, just as she does, but somehow they can still find it in themselves to love each other.

"How did it get like this?" she sobs, "The world's falling apart, I'm drowning in something I can't fight and the only thing that was keeping me afloat I destroyed" she cries terribly, collapsing to her knees on the carpet. He kneels beside her, but still doesn't dare to touch her for fear of getting everything so wrong again.

"Buffy..." he says her name but she does not respond. Twice more he tries and Buffy glances up at him only to find his mouth is not moving as her name is repeated again.

"What...?" she says frowning as the world shakes and wobbles around her before smashing to smithereens.

"Oh God!" she gasps, sitting bolt up right in bed, sweating profusely, heart pounding.

"Hey, it's alright, just a bad dream, luv" says the man beside her, sitting up beside her in the bed and wrapping his arms around her shaking form.

"Oh God, Spike, it was horrible" she cries into his chest as she relaxes into his embrace and they lie down again together.

"Ssh, baby, don't think about that now" he says, one hand rubbing her back soothingly as he kisses the top of her head, "I'm here, and I've got you and it's all going to be okay"

She nods her head against his chest before looking up at him with red rimmed eyes.

"I know" she agrees, "It's always okay when I'm in your arms, it's the only time I... I feel really complete, whole, like I belong"

"That's cos you do belong, pet" he tells her softly, "We belong together, right?"

"We do" she nods, managing a smile, "We hurt each other so much" she says then, smile fading as she recalls it.

"In your dream?" he checks and she tells him yes.

"I think it was a dream... a nightmare" she amends, "Why would we hurt each other like that if it wasn't?"

"You know why, pet" Spike laughs suddenly, making her look up at him sharply and gasp at the sight she sees. His face and chest are now marred with wounds and bruises, cuts dripping blood too, "You always hurt the one you love" he tells her painfully, just like he did in that nightmare...

Buffy gasps as she sits up sharply and finds herself in a hospital room with Willow and Xander standing over her. An ache in her shoulder reminds her of the gun-shot, the fact that Warren's attack was real, and so was everything before that. She really had come back from heaven, she'd hated her life, hated herself, and she'd taken it out on Spike til he finally cracked and hurt her like she'd been hurting him. Now he was gone and the world was dark and unforgiving.

"What happened?" she asks, as her thoughts and memories jumble back into place. She vaguely hears Xander ask if she's okay and she sighs.

"Sure" she lies like a pro.

What else can she do?

-The End -

A/N2 : Okay so it's not as sweet and Spuffyish as some of the other fics in the 'Just Us' series, but it's the best I could so with this ep. Please review and let me know what you think.


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